Books, Briefs, And Chocolate (a collab fic with flslp87)
by sandra70
Summary: Emma is having a very awkward day. An embarrassing conversation with her mother, an even more embarrassing talk with her father... with some luck, can Killian provide some distraction? This is a collab fic with flslp87.


_**Books, Briefs, and Chocolate**_

When Snow called and invited her for lunch she wasn't quite sure what to expect. Walking into Granny's, she waved at a few friends and slid into a booth across from her mom, who looked up and gave her a smile that made her wish she would have cancelled.

"Mom?" she asked hesitantly, as if she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear what was on her mother's mind.

"So," Snow began, "Boxer briefs, huh? I'm not sure I would have pegged him for boxer briefs."

Emma's mouth dropped open, and then she quickly closed it again, "Mom! Shh!" she hissed.

Snow waved a hand at her daughter, "we're all adults here. We both have True Loves. I know you have sex."

"Mom, _really?!_ Must you?"

Snow just smiled her serene smile, "Oh honey, it's nothing to be ashamed about that you enjoy each other," she told her in an amused voice.

"I'm not ashamed that I..." Emma bit her lip and closed her eyes. _I'm not having this conversation._ "I'm not ashamed," she tried again, her determined look directed at Snow's face, chin slightly raised in that gesture both women shared. "This is just... nothing I want to discuss with my mother!"

Snow rolled her eyes. "My goodness, I never thought you'd be so uptight!" She leaned forward and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Tell me more about the boxer briefs. I can't believe they fit under those tight pants he loves to wear. I always assumed he'd go commando."

Emma didn't know what was worse, that her mother was even talking about this or that she obviously had pondered over the presumed lack of underwear of her daughter's lover.

"Please tell me that I didn't just hear you say you assumed Killian went commando?" Emma asked with a bit of exasperation in her voice.

Snow gave her a funny look, "I may be your mother and a grandmother, but I'm not dead. Even when I didn't care for him as a person, I was aware that he was a rather dashing looking individual."

"Uh, thank you, I guess." thinking _this is the strangest talk I had ever had_ , "Can we change the subject, please?"

Snow huffed a bit but then settled, "That's fine, honey. If you don't feel like talking about it." She hesitated for a minute while their lunches were settled.

Emma had just taken a bite of her grilled cheese when Snow opened her mouth, "Did I tell you that I bought your father some silk boxers? He says they are really nice to," and she made air quotes with her fingers, "his boys."

As soon as she heard that Emma's face went white and she nearly choked on her food. She dropped the sandwich on her plate, all appetite gone, and made a pained sound. "Mom, please!" she moaned in disgust, "what's wrong with you?!"

Snow frowned in confusion. "What?" She threw her hands up in the air. "You wanted to change the subject, and I– "

"You," Emma interrupted, "start to talk about Dad's..." She paused for a moment and drew a deep breath. "What exactly made you think that discussing my father's... _private parts_ with youis any better than discussing Killian's?" She wrinkled her nose. "Now I can't unhear this."

Her mother's shoulders slumped a bit. "Sorry," she said sheepishly, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable." She sighed and looked a bit unhappy all of a sudden. "It's just that I miss having you as my friend."

Emma sat there feeling guilty and embarrassed at the same time, because she kind of knew what her mom was talking about. They _had_ been good friends before the curse was broken, and they _had_ talked about everything but this, well, there were just _some_ discussions that you simply didn't _have_ with your mother.

Reaching across the table she laid her hand on Snow's, "I'm sorry that this is awkward for me, but" she hesitated trying to think of a way to get her point across without hurting her mother's feelings, "would you have wanted grandmother Ava telling you anything about grandfather Leopold's man parts?"

Snow immediately wrinkled her nose. "Eww, I see what you mean, but still, that's not quite the same thing." She said looking up as Killian came around the corner and slid into the seat next to Emma.

"How is that not the sa-", she'd started before being interrupted by her pirate's arrival.

"Hello, love," he greeted her and brushed a kiss on her temple before nodding his head gracefully to his soon-to-be mother-in-law, "Milady."

"Killian." Snow's eyes sparkled with mischief as she nodded back while it took Emma a moment to get her bearings.

"What are you doing here?!" she asked a little briskly.

"I had to pick something up for your father and didn't want to miss the opportunity to say hello to the most beautiful ladies in this realm," he replied.

Snow chuckled. "Dashing as usual," she commented, to which he smirked.

 _"Mom!"_ Emma snapped, and Killian raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Something vexes you, love?" He asked with a frown. "My apologies if I'm intruding..."

"It's fine," Emma huffed impatiently and realized she needed to come up with a new topic of conversation before the devil residing behind her mother's eyes came out to play. Leaning into him a little closer to show she was fine, she addressed him, "So Dad made you run out for lunch?"

"Aye, he did. Said he had something that he needed to take care of. Although what that might be, I do not know. The talking device has been quiet today."

Snow and Emma looked at each other and giggled, knowing exactly what David had to take care of while he was alone. Finally taking pity on Killian as he was sitting there with a perplexed look on his face, Snow let him in on the secret. "David is obsessed with the game candy crush. Plays it on his phone all the time when he thinks I'm not looking. Watch for him to hide it away as soon as you walk back in to the station."

"That I will." He shuffled around in his seat a bit, before just asking, "And you ladies. Have you enjoyed trading news with each other today?"

Emma felt her face flame bright as Snow opened her mouth and out came a pearly giggle. "Actually, we were in the middle of it."

"Oh," he waved his hand nonchalantly, "don't stop on my behalf!"

"It was nothing, really," Emma pressed through clenched teeth and tried to sound serene. "So, tell us what you're–"

"I wouldn't dream of it," he shook his head, "it would be bad form to interrupt–"

 _Damn his fucking gentleman code,_ Emma cursed in her mind. Thankfully, her mother cut him off. "It was ladies' talk, Killian, you know?"

He raised a confused eyebrow. "Can't say I do," he began, but one look at the devilish twinkle in Snow's eyes and the twitching of her mouth was enough to tell him everything Emma never wanted him to know. _"Oh?"_ he drawled, unable to suppress a smirk when he wiggled his long legs out of the booth. "Then of course I shall take my leave, and you can continue your..." – _wait for it: annnd there was the tongue_ – "...ladies' talk." And with that, he disappeared.

Emma buried her face in her hands for a moment. She knew exactly he would grill her about this later. It would surely end up in fun times, she knew that, too, but still – this was a disaster. "Could you be any more _subtle_ , Mom?" she sighed. "He knows exactly what we've been talking about."

"Oh, come on," Snow chirped, "Killian of all people wouldn't mind."

"No, but _I_ do!" Emma snapped. "Or would you be okay with Dad knowing you told me about his..." She bit her lip and fell silent. Would this conversation ever end?

"Of course not! You know, your father can be," and she hesitated for a moment, "uptight, at times. I guess that's where you get it from." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I wonder how different you would be if we had..." then she shook her head, "I'm sorry. Let's change the subject shall we?"

Emma sat there a minute thinking about what her mother had said, or was going to say, but agreed that changing the subject would be the smart thing to do.

"So, how does it feel to be back at school after taking some time off? I know Henry grumbles but secretly I think he enjoys school. He and Killian talk for hours about math and science, subjects that have always gone over my head."

Snow put her hand on top of Emma's, "we all have our strong points, never forget that." Then she went on to talk about school and baby Neal's newest development. Before they knew it, the diner had cleared and lunch was over.

Emma glanced around and noticed the empty diner, "Thanks for lunch, Mom. Next time can we please _not_ talk about underwear?"

"Sure Emma." Snow apologized again. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

Emma stood up and slipped on her jacket. "I'd better get back to the station. There's no telling what is waiting for me." She didn't suppose though her day could get any more awkward. Well.

"Emma," her father greeted her, and something in his voice made her frown in suspicion.

"Hi..." she replied cautiously.

"Everything okay?" David inquired as she went over to the coffee pot.

"Yeah," she tried to make her voice sound nonchalant while pouring herself a cup of coffee, "why?"

"Oh," he shrugged, "your pirate said you seemed a bit... off?"

Emma felt her father's stare in her back and was glad she wasn't facing him, so he wouldn't see the storm brewing on her face. "Everything's okay," she pressed through clenched teeth. She was going to keel haul him.

But David didn't give up so easily. "You didn't... argue with your mother?" he asked.

She whirled around. "No, why would I?" she almost snapped.

Her father smiled in relief. "Oh, good. I was afraid it was about your mother's new," – he made air quotes – "favorite subject."

Emma almost dropped her coffee. " _What_ ," she growled, "are you even talking about, Dad?!"

"Hey, calm down. Are you sure you are okay?"

Emma rubbed her forehead, and took a few cleansing breaths. "I'm fine, Dad. And no, we didn't argue," and then she tried to smile, "but you know how she can be sometimes?"

"That I do know," he remarked. "I mean, the things she's been bringing home lately, well," and he stopped, his face becoming flushed, "never mind."

Emma thought about walking away and letting the conversation drop but then curiosity got the best of her. "Just what is mom's new," and she did the air quotes, "favorite subject."

David smiled at her and then rolled his eyes. "Books," he sighed, "she brings home books and wants me to read them so we can discuss them. In fact, just the other night she brought home," then blushing profusely, "never mind. I need to go. Your mother wants me to pick up a few things before I go home." He was out the door before she could question him further.

Emma watched him go with a slight frown on her face, but then shook it off and went to her office. She hadn't been working long when Killian walked in her office with a book in his hand, "Swan, what does this mean?!" He demanded to know, obviously upset, waving the book I almost like a weapon.

"Killian?" She frowned. "What's wrong?"

"That's what I'd like to know," was his cryptic answer. Before Emma could demand an explanation (she tried to remember how many times she'd already uttered today _what are you talking about?_ ), he went on, "I mean, while I do fully endorse you having ladies' talk with your mother, I would like to think if you have complaints of any kind, you would speak with me first."

Her mouth dropped open at his rant, she couldn't remember when she'd seen him genuinely upset like this. He sounded so insecure that she swallowed her own annoyance as she rose from her seat. "Killian, I swear I have no idea what you're talking about. Tell me what's wrong."

"This," he growled and dropped the offending book on her desk. "I ran into your father again, and he said this was something your mother wanted you to have. On my way here I tripped, and the bag fell out of my hand. When I picked it up, I saw that!" he pointed at the title.

Emma glanced down at what he was pointing at and felt her face flame red. She read, _Thi_ _rty-one Days to Great Sex._ "Oh my," but before she could finish her thought, her phone rang with her mother's special ring.

"Emma," Snow began before she even said hello, "I know you're busy, but did you like the book that David brought you?"

"Mom, how could you?" she stammered. "You didn't think I was embarrassed enough earlier?"

Snow didn't say anything for a few moments and finally Emma heard, "Really Emma, I don't know why you would be embarrassed by decorating articles. Just the other day you mentioned that you wanted to do some redecorating. I'm sorry if I offended you," she finished.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she took a calming breath before answering, "Mom, that's not the book that dad left behind."

"It's not?" Snow replied with a confused tone to her voice, "I left it right here next to the..." then her voice faded away until Emma heard, "David!" before the phone went dead.

Looking up at Killian, Emma had to suppress a chuckle that was just-so teetering on the edge of becoming a hysterical laugh. The day had been awful, mortifying, but the situation was so absurd that she couldn't look at it in any other way than with acknowledging the utter comic. Killian, who obviously was thinking she'd complained about her un-satisfying sex life in her ladies' talk with her mother, looked utterly devastated.

"Killian," she began, still fighting to keep her grin under control, "there's no need to be upset."

"There's no need for you to be _amused_ either, Swan!" he shot back, obviously sensing her mood. "Of course I'm upset. Obviously, our... intimate life doesn't satisfy your every need, and instead of talking to me about this, you go to your mother for advice!" Emma pressed the back of her hand to her mouth and couldn't look at Killian. "You know I'd be perfectly happy to–"

"Killian," she finally cut him off, "this is not the book my mother wanted me to have."

He frowned. "I don't understand."

She reached out to put both hands on his shoulders. "Dad grabbed the wrong book," she explained, "and I didn't complain about anything with Mom because there's nothing to complain about."

He raised a suspicious eyebrow. "I still don't understand what's happening here, but do continue."

She sighed. "That... ladies' talk had nothing to do with," and she cupped his jaw, "our intimate life as you so eloquently put it."

He stood there gazing into her eyes until he must have seen the truth in her answer, before giving her a little smirk, "And does your mother wish for us to return this book to her tonight?"

"Uh, I'm not sure, she didn't really say," she replied. "I supposed we could on our way home."

Killian picked up the book (now with personal interest) and flipped through the pages before finding the exact one he wanted, "I thought we might enjoy some of the more pleasurable activities in this tome. Hmm?"

Emma giggled and hid her face against his chest, "Is this your way of telling me that _you_ have complaints with our intimate life?"

"Did I complain last night when you were…," but before he could finish, she put her hand over his mouth.

"Killian!" she exclaimed looking up at him and feeling her face flame even hotter.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pulled her close and nuzzled her neck until he felt her body relax against his. "I am sorry, Emma. I truly loved what we did last night." He whispered huskily in her ear. "Now about page 39?"

Looking down at the book, Emma wrinkled her nose, "Body painting? You want to paint my body? With what?"

"Chocolate," he whispered in a husky voice. "Imagine it, Swan. I would run my finger along here," he ran his finger around her lips, "then I would lick it off, very slowly," and he proceeded to show her exactly what he had in mind.

Emma felt her heart pick up speed and her breath catch in her lungs. Opening her eyes slowly she stared into the deep blue gaze of her pirate. "Take me home, Killian," she whispered.

He brushed a feather light kiss across the corners of her mouth. "Very well," he replied, "we'll just drop by the loft and–"

"No detour," she cut him off almost briskly.

He chuckled. "Eager, are we?" His voice dropped just that nuance lower, matching the small smirk playing around his lips.

She licked her lips. "Let's just say I had a very weird day and could use some... distraction." _And there's no way I'm giving this book to my mother and look her in the eye_ , she thought.

"I shall distract you from any inconvenience you may have encountered today," he promised smoothly.

"Sounds great," she sighed.

She might have ignored the speed limit on a few occasions, and Killian was only mildly surprised that all the lights seemed to be in their favor – green, he remembered. They entered their house in no time, and the moment the door fell shut behind them, Emma was all over him. Kissing and fumbling they stumbled half-blind along the short distance between the entrance and the kitchen, losing both leather jackets on the way. In the kitchen Killian pinned her against the counter and took his time kissing her very thoroughly while his hand was working at the buttons of her blouse. The task wasn't easy as Emma was trying to wrap herself around him while still fully clothed.

"Emma," he growled as he undid the last button, "chocolate sauce."

"Right closet," she panted and gasped when he ground hard between her legs, right where she needed him, "oh God!"

"I'm going to savor every ounce of it," he rasped and Emma closed her eyes when she felt the first

drops coating her collarbone.

Snow felt a little guilty about the events of the day. Even though she still didn't see what was so wrong about the talk she'd been trying to have with her daughter, Emma obviously had felt bad about it. She guessed she still had to learn a lot about mother-daughter bonding. And that David had given Killian the wrong book, the one about... Snow sighed. Well, that hadn't helped either. She suspected that Emma didn't want the offending thing in her house and decided to pick it up right away.

She left David in charge of Neal and drove over to Emma's and Killian's place. When she rang the doorbell, a dull _thunk!_ could be heard from inside, along with a muffled growl that sounded suspiciously like Killian's trademark _bloody hell_. Snow frowned and knocked at the door. "Emma?"

Hectic noises and a huff, _"Really?!",_ and then steps approaching the door. When it was opened, she saw herself face to face with a rather gruff looking Emma. "Mom?"

Snow stepped inside and raised both hands. "Listen, Baby, I won't disturb you for long. I just wanted to pick up..." she fell silent when she noticed the disheveled state Emma was in: hair tousled, face flushed and her blouse buttoned wrong. "Uh, I..." when Killian appeared in the hall from the direction of the kitchen, he was in a similar state and nodded towards Snow with a strained grin.

She looked to and from between them and giggled nervously. "This," she said and quickly grabbed the offending book from the little table by the door. "And I'll be gone."

Emma was still staring at her with her mouth hanging open when Snow motioned vaguely towards her. "You have something... there."

Emma frowned and looked down, noticing a big smear of chocolate on her collarbone. "Oh, uh," she stammered, before shutting her mouth and giving her mother a deer in headlights look.

Snow took pity on her, "I'll just go. Have fun," she said winking at Killian as she walked out shutting the door behind her.

As soon as they heard her walk down the steps, Killian sauntered toward Emma, leading with his hips. He had a little smirk on his face as took his hook and made quick work of the buttons on her shirt. "I seem to remember," he said in a husky voice, "that you requested my help in distracting you from your tough day."

Emma looked down at her shirt hanging open, and then into the lust-filled blue eyes of her True Love, "you still want to….?" she started to say before he pulled her close to his body and lifted his hook to lightly run it down the side of her neck.

"Oh, I always want to," he bent and placed a light kiss on one side of her mouth, "wherever and whatever you are willing to give," he finished before placing a kiss on the other side. Trailing his hook along her collarbone he pushed her shirt off of her shoulders, and gently licked the smear of chocolate, "I believe I missed a spot. What say we adjourn upstairs with that jar of chocolate sauce?"

Emma grabbed handfuls of Killian's shirt and tugged him closer. "Killian, you aren't weirded out that my mother," she hesitated.

Smiling that smile at her that crinkled the corners of his eyes and made her feel weak in the knees, he finished, "is privy to our intimate activities?"

She hummed low in her throat in agreement but couldn't bring herself to say much after all the strangeness that had been her day.

Pulling her closer, Killian touched his forehead to hers, "Swan, I am sorry that Lady Snow happened to be witness to our dalliance, which embarrassed you, but better your mother than your father. He might have stabbed me again!"

Quirking her lips, a little, just as he wanted her to, "So there is a silver lining is what you are trying to say?"

"But of course, love. I for one am quite happy your father picked up the wrong book to deliver," he waggled his eyebrows. "I am anticipating more fun to be had this evening. Now where was I?" Covering her lips with his he kissed her with enough passion reminding her where they were before her mother walked in earlier.

Slowly opening her eyes, Emma reached up with one hand and made swift work of Killian's shirt, pushing it onto the floor. Tracking her finger through the springy hair on his chest, down toward his belly button, she inquired, "Do I get a chance to paint you, Captain?"

He kissed her again slowly before answering, "Aye, love. You can paint me ' _anywhere_ ,' he said with just enough nuance in his voice that the innuendo came across loud and clear.

Emma's finger was busy moving over one pectoral muscle to the other, following the trail down to his waistband before slipping the button free and picking up the zipper tab, "Anywhere?"

"Anywhere." He replied in a strained voice. "Shall I bring the chocolate sauce?"

She placed a kiss on first one pectoral muscle and then the other, before walking toward the staircase adding an extra swing to her hips, "Yes! Hurry!" She commanded before rushing up.

Killian locked the door and extinguished the lights before collecting the jar of chocolate sauce and dashing up the stairs ready to feast on his delectable Swan.

A few days later, Emma once again found herself meeting her mother for lunch at Granny's. Nothing had been said about the tantalizing book and her mother catching them in an intimate moment, by either her mother or her father and for that she was grateful. With a little luck, they could have a nice lunch without any embarrassment.

"Hi mom. How are things?"

Snow had been flipping through her phone and quickly laying it down, smiled at her daughter. "Emma, I'm so happy you could join me for lunch today. How's Killian? Did you two enjoy your little," and she made air quotes, " _play time_ the other evening? You know when your father and I tried that activity, we used strawberry."

"Mother! Really!" Emma exclaimed covering her face with her hands.


End file.
